I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
