...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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