I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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