Can i not drive my cunt home
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
