my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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