Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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