he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
