Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
