I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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