Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
