I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
He passed out mid-signature
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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