We need to start having sex underwater more often.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
