ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
