took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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