I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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