The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
