He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
