I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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