I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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