Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We left the knife in your bed.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
