imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
