I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
