I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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