I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
