Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
So much rum. So many feels.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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