We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
