Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize