Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Less talking, more tequila
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
