saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The uberlube is also flammable
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize