I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
the raccoons are back...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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