Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
