Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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