dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
