one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
BRING THE BAGELS
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Randomize