I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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