Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
