the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We got so high we made milksteak
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
