I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
