The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
