She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
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