Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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