I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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