If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize