What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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