Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
