i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I have peed in a lot of sinks
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
do nipples grow back?
Randomize