I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
