he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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