i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
