just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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