yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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