I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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