Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
