Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
