please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
