I faked an abortion last night.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
