By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
