Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
3 2 1 whiskey
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
