You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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