My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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