my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
